Sarah. 22. ISU.Supernatural. Sherlock. Game of Thrones. Once Upon a Time. LOST. Arrested Development. F.R.I.E.N.D.S.God. food. poetry. books. music. yoga. dance. friends. tumblr. movies. love. life.
Do you ever get like super vulnerable late at night that you just want to spill your heart out and say how you feel because you’ve been holding it in for so long and you just need some ventilation and there’s just something about two in the morning that makes me lose my filter and say the things I would never have the guts to say when the sun is up.
The more you are exposed to something, the realer it becomes. When you read about something, or watch something on tv, or listen to something more and more, you believe it more and more. Likewise, the more I wrote about how I felt, the more I felt it. The realer it all became. And now I’m faced with having to choose between my written thoughts and feelings that have escalated as a result of my writings and therefore obsessions, and the reality that is that none of it matters. Although the reality is the way I have to go, it is the least appealing option. Especially when it means I have to abandon what I previously thought was a reality, simply because I, through my writings, made it so. Though perhaps I should be grateful I refused to share any of my emotions verbally because the spreading of thoughts is yet another form of exposure (in this case to a harmful reality) and I might be in a deeper hole. If people knew what I was really thinking—actually knew, not just suspected, as I imagine some people already do suspect my true feelings—this would be a way bigger mess and I would be crushed even further. Perhaps I need to relish the fact that I am the one true holder of this knowledge so I have the power to change my mind, to deal with this on my own, without the worry of other people’s reactions and everything. It will be difficult, though, because it’s been forever that I’ve felt a happiness like this, and now I must abandon it because it apparently isn’t real. Not just this, but I have to accept the fact that I am abandoning this happiness indefinitely. That’s the worst part.
Agh. Of course right when I start to feel something good, the other shoe drops and he makes me realize how much what I want doesn’t matter and isn’t going to happen. And then I look ahead at this next week and we won’t even see each other until God knows when. Is this good or bad? I don’t even know. Fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu